I had an interesting conversation with my husband tonight that put a little panic in my heart but that panic quickly subsided because after my first marriage ended, I realized and have always reminded myself that if you love someone and that person doesn't love you back, there is nothing in the world you can do to make them love you. There is no reason to panic over things of this nature because to panic would be to think I have any control over it. I don't.
The conversation between my husband and I was not in relation to our relationship specifically but we were discussing the ending of a relationship or marriage and if you really love someone, shouldn't you be devastated if that relationship were to end? I know I would be and I totally believe that if you REALLY love someone, if that relationship ended, you would be devastated. My husband doesn't share that belief. I wonder if men and women differ in this belief. I wonder if it's a gender thing.
It got me to thinking about what true, selfless love really is.....
I know it should be selfless. You should want to and be willing to do something for the person you love without any expectation for anything in return. You should be willing to give your all to the relationship without any justification.
I know that seeing the person I love happy, regardless of my own personal struggles, should make me happy. Seeing the person I love succeed, even if I am not successful, should make me happy. I should always want the best for the person I love, no matter what.
I know that I have to be willing to sacrifice for the person I love, even if they don't know or might not ever realize it.
I know that I must be willing to try. I should always be willing to make the effort to be better and love deeper.
I know that if I love someone, even the thought of hurting them would hurt me.
I know that if I love someone I have to keep my promises, my vows, even if this person won't ever know if I break it. I know that my moral compass will become stronger where this person is concerned, just because I love them.
I know that to love someone I still have to love myself enough to grow as an individual as well as grow together and that while my individuality is important, I won't see my future without them in it.
I know if I love someone I will share the burdens in their life, even though I don't have to, I know that if there is a way that I can help the person I love, I will naturally want to do whatever I can to help lighten their burden.
I know that if I love someone, I will always relish in their successes and that I will never be jealous of their achievements.
I know that if I love someone, I will consider their point of view in all of my actions and decisions because their thought, opinions and feelings will matter to me.
It's a lot to think about and when I think about it in those terms, I unequivocally know I love my husband. I know that if his existence were to cease, I would be devastated but I also know that the love I feel for him may not be as mature as it will be after many more years together. In all the ways above that I know describes true love, I am not always the best at. I have good intentions and foundationally, I know that I identify with each one and have the very best intentions but I am not always the best and seeing each one through so I can certainly love him better. I know the value he brings to my life and that I don't want to live without him.
I think of the MANY married people I know in my life and I can honestly tell you that I know MAYBE two couples that I think experience this kind of love I describe above. One of them is evenly distributed on both sides. The other couple is one-sided, and they have been married a very long time. Both bring me joy because I see the true love in at least one person. It reassures me to know it does truly exist, but I do know that it is rare.
Do I have true love? I'd like to think so....but we don't both practice the above in harmony. I think we both believe we try in most aspects but I also believe the other person doesn't believe the other tries hard enough. So my question to you ... do you agree with me? Do you think that to be truly in love, the thought of losing the other person should be devastating to you? If losing the person, even if you knew you would be okay, doesn't devastate you, are you in love? I am really interested in various points of view. Please share.