Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Being a Step Mom

I'm the mother of a young man teetering on the age of 21 .... yep! I conceived him when I was 21 and was a single mom most of his life. I had the beautiful occasion when my son was only 14 to marry my now husband who has been the best of a father figure that my son could have ever hoped for. Raising children isn't easy and Lord knows I had the ups and downs of parenthood while I was raising my son. Boys are generally easy but we did manage to avert some near disasters as he grew. He's currently in his junior year of college and I worry every day about him although I have also grown to know that he's quite capable of growing into a wonderful full-fledged adult with a very successful future. I'm very proud of him.

So what's the point? Well, along with marrying my now husband, I inherited two very beautiful step children that came with a lot of baggage. It's been six years now but we've worked through a lot of it. Anyone who knows me knows that I truly love them as my own. Loving a child is easy right? Those of you who answered yes are probably talking from the experience of loving your own children, I totally get that. For those of you who speak from the experience of adoption, I totally get that too and totally understand the miraculous love you likely feel for your child. But what about step children ... children that come into your life not because they or you wanted them to but because they came along with the person that you loved? For me, the love for my two step children did come naturally .... I've done everything that I can to help shape them into loving, thriving people. I show them love every single day. I shower them with things I wish for them. I'm not perfect, I certainly make mistakes. Made a ton of them with my own child and as I navigate step parenthood, I have made some there too. I always hope that none of my mistakes will leave a permanent mark but what human being escapes childhood without a permanent mark on their psyche of some kind because of the love of a parent? I don't know anyone.

Now my rant .... being a step parent is one of the most cruel and thankless jobs on the planet. Going into this with the misguided conception that all I had to do was love them and everything would be okay was my first mistake. For the past six years, my husband and I have worked tirelessly to give our children everything they need. We live in a beautiful house in a respectable neighborhood and our children go to good schools. Some may say we spoil them and perhaps we do, but we really do it out of love and wanting them to have the best. We get as involved as possible. We sit in the rain at football games in the freezing cold, we make every softball game, we celebrate the victories and share in the heartache of the losses, we give them family as much as we can and we try to support them in being the people they want to become. I'm the one who takes on the role of caring for them as best I can while my husband is at work.
I'm also the one who remembers their preferred cereal (which changes regularly), ensures the fridge is full of what they like most, prepares meals after a day at work (even though it's the thing I loathe the most) and when they are ill, I'm also the one who takes them to the doctor and ensures they takes their medication. We let them know each and every day how much we love them and although discipline is the ugly part of our job, we do it and we do it as effectively as we both know how. Of course, neither one of us went into this expecting to be thanked. We do it for each other because we love one another and we both sincerely love our children collectively.

Having said all of that, none of this shields you from the pain when one of your children (step or biological) breaks your heart. In fact, when my biological son breaks my heart, it hurts but I know in my heart and brain that I am always going to be his mother, there is nothing he can do about that and for the rest of our lives we'll be connected in that way. No one else can be his mother. On the other hand, when one of my step children rejects me, it hurts so badly but in this case, I don't have the privilege that a biological mother has. I'm connected to this child through love that is conditional upon both of us wanting it. If one of my step children decide they don't want that, it's their prerogative and there is nothing in the world I can do to change that.

I consider myself blessed to have known these children. Just like my own son, even though they can make me angry and crazy at times, I love them beyond words. There are moments far and few between when I can boast, hey, that's my kid. It's the graduations, the first communions, when they win awards and the photo opportunities that feed the constantly depleting tank that keeps a mother going. In many of these instances, as the step mom, I take the back seat in the lives of two people who I have done everything for (except birth them, of course) and that realization is incredibly painful but it's part of the deal for which I signed on. On the other hand, when your step child lashes out at you it's very difficult to remain calm, temper your anger and try to understand that they are just children. This child that you willingly gave everything for and whom you really and truly love, doesn't recognize that and that is a pain I cannot describe. Being a mom is tough, I give you that but please trust me when I tell you that, it's a piece of cake compared to being a stepmom.

1 comment:

  1. I only just read this completely through.
    << HUGS >> to you, Denyse. I pray that the cloud passes from your step-child's eyes and realization enters the heart and mind.
    MORE << HUGS >>. - Bea

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